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Video Courtesy of Nick.     


This guy walks into a bar . . . .  [or "The Omega"]

 . . . . and walks up to the only person sitting at the bar, a thin, bearded, middle-aged man with long hair in a pony tail, that's slung over his left shoulder.

"Hey man, do you mind?"

"Naw," replied the man sitting at the bar.

"I'm Kurt.  Waz zup."  Sits down leaving an empty bar stool between them.

"You can call me Josh, almost everyone calls me by somethin' else, and it really ticks me off!"

"Can I buy you another Guinness, Josh?  You look like you're 'bout ready."

"Sure, never turn down a free pint!" said Josh.

Kurt flags the bartender down, and orders a couple of pints. An awkward silence builds as to two guys at the bar watch the barkeep at his craft, building two pints of Guinness.  Kurt's thoughts drift to mother's milk, and that Guinness is the cure for the common cold, when he decides to break the silence, only to be beaten out by Josh.

"You know this shit's the cure for the common cold?"  Josh said, drains the rest of his pint, and then wipes the hairs surrounding his mouth, with the back of his hand.

"I was just thinking that, kind of like mother's milk."

The bartender sets down two freshly built pints.

"Yeah, man!"

"You live near here?  I've never seen you 'round before."

"Naw, this is just my second trip to these parts.  It's been a while since my last trip here, and that didn't end up going too good."

"What happened?" said a slightly intrigued Kurt.

"I was just delivering a message for my old man, and let's just say that it pissed people off, and I was hung out to dry."

"You work for your father?"

"You can say it's the 'family business.'" Josh said wryly.

"So, what brings you back 'round this time?"

"Dear ole Dad's got ‘nother message for me to deliver, and I'm a nervous wreck!  His last one was really cool.  Didn't think it would upset anybody.  But, boy was I wrong!  Now this one I know nobody's gonna like it.  Shit!"

Josh takes a big swig.

"So what pissed people off with the first message?"

"Who knows?  All I did was tell everyone I met to love one another, and the next thing I knew, I was in diapers, nailed to a big piece of wood."

"You're a-a-a-a Jesus?" stammered Kurt, wide-eyed in disbelief.

"Didn't I tell you that REALLY PISSES ME OFF!  Do I look like a fuckin’ Greek to you?!  My mother was a Jew, so I'm a Jew too!"

"Chill dude.  Sorry, it's not everyday one sits down next to the 'Son of God' at the local bar."

"Yeah, yeah.  I know I'm over-sensitive about it, but 2000 years of being called by a name that ain't yours, and you'd be a bit touchy 'bout it too."

"Well goddamn!  Oops!  Sorry."

"Don't sweat it."

"So . . . ., I'm almost afraid to ask this . . . ., but here goes nothin', what's the 'Good News' this time?"

"Sorry man, this time I got to tell ya'll that you've fucked ‘round too much with the Earth, so now the Earth's gonna stop revolvin’."

"WHAT?!  Who's the schmuck that thought that one up?"

"Daddy Dearest!"  Josh takes a swig, and then continues.  "Always forget that Moses edited out the Eleventh Commandment.  Argued endlessly with Dad that ten was a real round number, and whined over and over again, ‘”THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” has a much better ring to it.’  So now ya'll are screwed because the real reason Moses didn’t want eleven commandments is because that dimwit couldn’t count on his fingers and his toes at the same time!"

"So how do we go about rewinding the Earth, what can we do?"  Kurt pleaded.

"Get on your knees and Pray.  Pray like it's the end of the world, cuz it really is!"

"You don’t think we got a shot at keeping the Earth spinning?"

"Not a chance in hell!"

"Shit!"

"You said it brotha!"

Kurt chugs down the rest of his pint, and then asks, "So is "Our Father" down here now?"

"Yeah, he's out on the West Coast.  Hanging out with a bunch of rich nerds!"

"Does he have a cell phone?  Maybe I can talk him out of it?"

"I doubt it, once he makes up his mind on somethin', he won't budge."

"It can't hurt to try!" Kurt whined.

"I guess not, just a waste of time, not that you got that much left!  Drop him an email at bgates@microscum.net, but don't expect an answer."

"So that's where Product Activation came from."

"Yep, now you know . . . ."

Time's up!  The Earth just stopped spinning!

The End . . . . ?

 

A Sci-Fi Bedtime Parable . . . .  [or "The Alpha"]

Once a upon a time, Bill Gates, a Himalayan-expedition Sherpa, and a 23 year-old female grad student in agricultural microbiology from Texas Tech, were the last three people left alive after a comet had hit the Earth.  After the initial shock had worn off, Bill got everyone organized for the nuclear winter-like years that were to follow.  Bill designed the shelter to protect them from the mini ice age, estimated how long the freeze would last, and organized the group to be prepared for the challenges to their very existence that was yet to confront them.  The Sherpa gathered the materials, and tools, and built their shelter, single-handedly, with no help from Bill, whatsoever.  The Texas Tech grad student gathered the water and food that they would have to subsist on throughout the Really Dark Age, when the earth had again become 'null and void.'  As time passed, the three managed to scrape by on their meager existence, but with months left till the next true dawn, it had become apparent to all three of them, that one of them must die in order that the other two could live, so that the human race could be reborn.  It goes without saying that the Grad Student became the new Eve.  So, who was deli meat, and who became Adam, and why?

Well, of course Bill realized that the best choice for the future generations of man was to have as much genetic diversity as possible in the original couple.  However, when the time came to make their final solution, or they all would surely die, Bill said, as he held out his right fist, "The only fair way to decide this is to draw straws."  The Sherpa scrutinized the fist-wide length of the straws that showed above Bill's clenched fist, and decisively drew his lot, but the funny thing was, the straw seemed neither long, nor short, but was a medium-sized looking straw, that one had to look at more than once, and still one was left utterly bewildered.  By the time that the Sherpa and Eve's attention were drawn back toward Bill, he was holding up high, a straw, that was thrice longer than his clenched fist was wide, gripped tightly between his left thumb and fore-finger.  While the Sherpa may have been a simple man, he was nobodies' fool, so he proceeded to kick the literal living shit out of Bill.  As he lay there, in a mix of his own blood, vomit, loose stool, and urine, unable to move a muscle, and struggling for every last breath, the last sight he witnessed, as his vision slowly dissolved to nothingness, was that of Adam & Eve's first meal, partaking of the 'forbidden fruit' of his own dying flesh. 

Though Bill's name was lost to the future history of the New Creation, his persona became embodied in that of a serpent that tempted Eve to eat the 'forbidden fruit.'  Eve took the blame for tricking Adam into eating it, because she was out enjoying anal sodomy with the serpent, necessitating murder and cannibalism, when they both should have been out gathering food, so she ended up being portrayed throughout all time as a kind of un-indicted co-conspirator for being in cahoots with Lucifer.  Though the truth was obscured from all those who Adam begat . . . .

And so it began . . . . All over again!
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